A few years ago, ‘Chuck Norris Facts‘ swept the interwebs. Apparently, Chuck Norris’ tears cure cancer. He once punched a hole through a deer just to see who was coming down the road. He doesn’t get frostbite — he bites frost. You get the idea.
The whole thing seems like a take-off of the infamous ‘Bill Brasky‘ sketches from Saturday Night Live back in the mid 90s. Bill Brasky was known to teach his friends how to both love a woman and scold a child. He’d eat a homeless person if you dared him. One time, he scissor kicked Angela Lansbury. True story.
Recently, Nick Nolte and Gary Busey have had similar facts about them released to the masses. Nolte has killed seven men in self-defense — eighteen in beverage-defense. Busey keeps his fridge on a leash because he’s sick of finding children in there.
Unless you’ve taken one too many knees to the head, it’s obvious that these facts aren’t exactly “true” — except maybe some of the stuff about Nolte. Luckily, we have a man in the MMA world who can legitimately live up to claims that would sound entirely ridiculous if attributed to anyone else: Fedor Emelianenko.
According to Fox Sports’ Sports Science, via Five Ounces:
The amount of force displayed by the Russian heavyweight was found to be the exact amount of force that could be produced by an Alaskan Brown Bear during a ten second constriction.
A Burmese Python was brought onto the show. …After ten seconds of gathering information it was determined that the python had peaked out at 40 pounds. Fedor’s choke is over twelve times more powerful.
I’d like to feel shocked after hearing this, but I’m not surprised. We’ve all joked about how the only fight that could challenge Fedor would be if you locked him in a cage with a bear or a lion. Turns out that it’s not too far from the truth.
Somebody get Monte Cox on the phone. Whatever jurisdiction allows the Mercer v. Sylvia fight to happen would probably have no problems with Fedor vs. a malnourished grizzly on the same card. Other potential bouts for that night could include War Machine vs. a Webster’s dictionary, Jeff Monson vs. the AIG executives, and Scott ‘Lionheart’ Blevins vs. Chris Hansen.