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BREAKING NEWS: Fuddy Duddies don’t like MMA

Newspapers are having a hard time figuring out how to convince young people that yesterday’s news can still be fun and interesting. One of things they’ve started to do in order to try and draw in the under 50 crowd is feature those newfangled sports kids seem to love, like mixed martial arts.

Unfortunately, the LA Times seems to have missed a crucial point in writing for the next generation: we don’t like surly grandpappies who’s heads are so far up their asses you’re liable to find their reading glasses in their colon. Behold the hilarity that is TJ Simers waxing philosophical about UFC 100:

Now I like White and his drive to make this violence appear respectful. “No one has died,” White’s quick to say, but give the sport time.

Lesnar and Mir aren’t much different from any other athletes seeking competition and big paydays.

But what does this say about us, people screaming with glee because blood is running down someone’s face and he’s still in there punching? What does it say about violence’s voyeuristic appeal, the sight of someone being choked into unconsciousness reason for howling approval?

It’s hard to believe public executions wouldn’t do well. And just think of the reality TV show that’s sitting there waiting to be done, instead of the weigh-in, the final meal.

When you watch something like UFC 100, there’s really no reason to believe there are limits to what might entertain people.

You need to read this from start where he literally talks about his granddaughter and their puppy before complaining about everything in the UFC from people’s hair color to the loud music to the inclusion of ring girls. Hell, the dude even spent half the night in the chow lounge complaining about his ringside seats. Overall, if the whole thing wasn’t so goddamn unintentionally hilarious I might actually be outraged. But this reeks of old guy so much I can practically smell the Werther’s Originals through my computer.

But don’t stop with that article. It looks like poor TJ was put on UFC duty last week (the fate of many terrible second string sports columnists lately), and he’s got three more articles ripping on mixed martial arts as only a stodgy old man can. Enjoy!