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Birthday Reminder: Loretta Hunt

In case you missed my casual reference earlier today about Loretta Hunt getting older, I’m just gonna say it straight out here: today is Loretta Hunt from the Fight Network’s birthday. In honor of this, I’ve decided to document my love for her and pull all my prose regarding her in one very special birthday post.

I love you, Loretta. Forever. Until we die. Together. Rice Krispies.

Read it all … after the jump!

1
But don’t worry, Loretta – you’re always invited to my press conference where you can ask me hard hitting questions like “How can it be that big?” and “How can one man satisfy so many women around the world?”

2
I don’t doubt Shamrock’s people told Loretta Hunt this stuff, but Loretta my dear, you must remember that pro wrestlers are the biggest liars in the world. Remember when I told you that I was a multi-millionaire playboy who loved you and wanted to marry you? Well, looks like you haven’t learned.

3
I’m a sensitive motherfucker and I’m tired of getting my hopes and dreams crushed over and over by the general MMA news sites. I’m looking directly at you, Loretta Hunt. Just because I want to have sex with your vagina doesn’t mean you can get my hopes up about Ken Shamrock.

4
Luke Thomas has been on a roll lately, pissing off people left and right. He did a live radio show on Steroids that made Zach Arnold cry harder than Loretta Hunt that time Phil Baroni headbutted her.

5
Anywho, one of the groups involved in Joost are our friends from The Fight Network. Okay, maybe ‘friends’ is a strong word to use. God knows, they never return my calls. And Loretta Hunt continues to ignore my Smiles on Lavalife.

6
Plus, if there weren’t dumb fighters out there doing crazy stuff, my blog would be dryer than Loretta Hunt’s vagina. Okay, maybe her vagina isn’t all that dry. But she certainly wasn’t willing to let me see so until I can verify the moistness of her genetalia first hand, we’ll just assume it’s dry. Okay? Okay.

7
The fight network’s email is [email protected] – if anyone has a better email address then please suggest it and I’ll update this post. I’d say email Loretta Hunt, but she spamblocked my email after I sent her pictures of my penis.

8
One of the hot ones – word is UFC guys think she’s queen bitch. Scores a 500 on the tap-o-meter. Possibly related to Helen Hunt.

9
All around me people are being sued by Zuffa, yet I haven’t even been contacted by their lawyers. I got really excited yesterday when someone served me with papers, but that was just about something between Loretta Hunt and me. Something private. And sexual. And possibly federal.

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